It's not even Halloween anymore

Coke = Pop = Soda = refrescos = gaseosas = the stuff that rots your teeth.

Weather you like it or not

1. Somewhere in bloomington tonight the gusts of rain turned into snowflakes. I have lived in Bloomington since mid-august and I must tell you I have noticed some things about weather. It really happens. There is a severe and noticeable change. One day it was hot and sweaty pushing the upper 80s even after the sun had set and then the last day of summer on the calender came and went. we call it solstice and the trees they heard about it. and the air heard about it. and the grass heard about and they all conspired. in whispers. and quickly the air became thin and sun light was cold. in the morning the grass was grey, a frost they say. the trees have gotten all dolled up in reds and oranges and yellows for their elaborate striptease. This change, seasons, fall is an actual time. a place on the map. not a notion or a grand idea.

2. Another thing. Autumn. It gives me a little anxiety. This transitional season. I want to keep my eyes open and see all of it happening. these seasons of movement. I do not have this fear associated with winter. Winter seems like it will linger, while autumn seems to prance outside your window and if you are not looking you will miss it.

3. I could not ride my bike home today. It was too cold. I rode it from campus to the bus station and the whole time i was screaming. I am not quite sure why. does screaming increase the movement of your internal organs in hopes to keep them warm? I will need to find the gym now that I dont think i will be able to muster up the courage to ride my bike in what feels like a ridiculousness.

4. someone once told me not to bring out the boots too early in the season. a sure sign that i was a california. I have held out. but tomorrow the boots are coming out.

7 years of War

This year has been the bloodiest, deadliest year in Afghanistan, the number of enemies have grown by 30%. I watched 60 minutes last night. And was in shock, mouth dropped as if in awe. That it has been 7 years. Seven years of war. Where have I been, what have i been doing? I protested once in san fricisco with a bunch of hippies. I had been 18. I am now 25. I worry about my life, the price of gas, what poem I will bring to class tomorrow.

Artifacts of War


7 years

The Enemy: that which shoots at us,
bearded, blends into this desert better
than us, steals guns, and canteens
from us, aims cameras and grenades at us,
The Enemy, shoots at us, hides in the rocks,
hides in the fields, hides from us, young, dead heavy
we zip the enemy, that which aims and shoots at us,
into white plastic body bags, in death they surrender
to us, their dusty faces, their breath, their guns,
their chewing gum, The Enemy, shoots at us,
well-trained shadow, climbs these mountains,
twitch in the noon sun, quiet as the sand
lifted by the wind, stings and blinds and aims,
The Enemy: that which shoots at us.


Unknown number of years

Someday the ghost will return to their bodies.
They have not counted in days or years or candy bars,
lost in the counting
of pennies, nickels and dimes, lucky quarter, luckier dollar bill.
Guns shots, grenades dropped, hum of traffic,
and desert wind echo in their skulls and vertebrae

Someday the drugged up Vets in baseball caps
And toothy smiles will never have been to Vietnam,
will not be as Old as my dad. And they will ask for
change, they will ask me how I have been, and I am afriad
I will have nothing to say.

Unscrupulous Use of the List

1. Outside the window, it rains.

2. Learning curve. How much to give, how much to dwell. I have lots of homework.

3. Roadkill is much more graphic on a bicycle.

4. Rain does not mean cold.

5. I feel a small feathery thing inside of me.

6. I graded 80% of the exams that i need to grade.

7. Skype is wonderful but not perfect.

8. Solitude is different than loneliness. I need enjoy, breath, sigh, sleep, walk, read, meditate, see, delight in the spaces between, the empty.

9. I still get dark circles under my eyes and wear a light dab of concealer to conceal them. I have never felt so grown up.

10. I did not eat the brownies.

Over dramatic at midnight

the balloons.
the conversations.
the smiles.
the awkward pauses between the balloons, conversations, and smiles.
truly there are no balloons, but the ones i am imagining.
the ones that grow smaller and smaller in the sky until the balloon looks like a fly, then a dot, then nothing.

am i the balloon, or are you? am i the balloons, or are my dreams?

what are dreams, what are balloons?
Vladimir and Estragon are sitting the corner of my minds chewing bits of hay and their fingernails. They smile, but they do not really care.

remember, remember the crying. the nights and days in silence. when los angeles appeared to be a great black hole, where souls fell and never returned. remember how jcl would send EMOTDs in the email. remember the time you cried on the bus and no one noticed. I am older now, and the bus only comes once an hour. I am older and I cry less. and Los Angeles is pearl embedded on the jagged west coast.

smile through class. smile through teaching. smile through the reading. smile while writing. smile while riding the bike uphill. smile at the vid. smile at the root cellar. smile during office hours. smile at church. smile on the bus. smile on the carride home. smile. for this too shall pass. and be remembered in the same pearlish hues of california.

what of it that i know fortunate, lucky, blessed, and all the other synonyms. what of it that i have learned to smile just like that songs says to. I am tired. tired of smiling, of having my character refined, of having nothing to complain about, of being unknown, of seeing other people smiling and being understood.

i told you i was over dramatic at midnight. goodnight

Orcas

I had a dream I was in the ocean and an Orca swam up to me and so I climbed on to his back and we swam around in the ocean and it was a lot of fun. I had a question for my Orca friend, so I asked it out loud. to my surprise the orca could talk and his name was Dimitri.

Any interpretations?

12:47?am

I woke up. Noise. Red and White Lights flashing through my room. I put on my glasses and look out the window. A Car is up on the side of the road in front of my house halfway into a tree. Police, Ambulances, Firetrucks are responding. A tow truck will come later. Now they are struggling to extract the person from the truck. But they do. The person on the gurney has his/her arms over his chest. Not like in death, but like in a protective stance. One, Two, Three, Lift. The gurney is in the ambulance. I can see through the ambulance window. Movement. I wonder if there is a person number 2 in the truck. I can not tell. Slower than expected the ambulance leaves when the fire truck backs up and out of the way. I have three thoughts: 1) living in front of a fire station, this is a good place for a car to get into an accident. 2) Why did this happen in front of my house, for me to see? 3)Oh Jesus, that you may preserve and redeem life. Peace, Life, Love, flowing freeing like blood through properly connected uninjured veins.