Ouch

In 4th grade, during something science-y we were learning about the human body. We learned you could still digest your food if you were doing a headstand because you digestive track was so strong, it could work against gravity. We learned that the human brain was so strong, that you could trick yourself into being sick. You could make yourself sick. I could make myself sick.

Since then I have harbored a deep and abiding fear that I am making it all up in my head. Oh, I'm not really sick. Am I wanting to be sick to get attention? Just snap out of it. My sister got sick a lot when we were kids and I remember being jealous because she would get special attention, special lip balm, special other things. Alas, I was not a sickly kid. I somehow also learned not to trust how I am feeling. I need proof. If I am sick, where is fever? where is the vomit?

Yesterday, I got into a bike accident. Though, I was not very hurt, it was very scary. My bike chain fell out of loop, and my bike stopped, I kept going. I flew-ish over the handle bars, banged my chin on the asphalt, looked up behind me, saw a truck coming and scrambled out of the road. I praise God for many things: I was not seriously hurt, it happened in front of friend's house, it wasn't any worse than it was. I also thank God I had a witness. A neighbor lady came running over, clearly shaken. I had big sunglasses on, and no on could see me starting to cry.



"Oh my God are you okay? I was so scared for you. I heard the pop of the chain and I looked over and I saw you dive. I was so scared for you. This is such a busy street. I think your chin is bleeding."

I am thankful for a witness, so I know that I am not just being a baby for being scared, and tearing up. I also note know something that seems absurd: when she said, I think you chin is bleeding, and I saw the blood on my hands, I thought silently, "oh good, proof." I have a cut, proof that I was hurt. This I think is not a normal reaction. Why do I not just trust myself? Why do I also feel like people are not going to believe me, if I have nothing to show for it? Why do I care if they don't understand how scary it was. I went into my friend's house to wash the cuts (not really a friend, more of someone I had just met).

"You're a tough girl, you'll be okay." He said.

I want to be a tough girl and I will be okay. But I think its also okay to not be a tough girl. I had been offered a back ride home minutes before the accident and I thought to myself, no, I want to be tough, (I was tired, only on 4 hours sleep, it was hot and it was about 7 mile ride, not too far, but not too close). I will ride. It was a very beautiful day. I could only accept help when I was bleeding.

There is some lesson in this. I am trying to figure it out. Something about trusting myself, believing myself, and not caring about if people think I am tough or weaksauce. I am probably a little bit of both. But I do want to be a girl who does push herself to do things she thinks are impossible. To reach and grow and stretch. How do I do this, and be nice, and let myself take the easier way home some of the times?