It's ironic that my blog is green and about Alessandra being in the city. There is no green here except for the house on Kenwood painted an ungly highlighter green, the candle i bought for my friend and the undead parts of the palm trees. A helicopter is circling again. I titled my blog please because i am begging you. you who my blog, my internet my typing fingers to come up with an answer. Am i being too metaphorical. It will not really cost me my soul to stay at blue cross for another six months but i feel like i am selling out, but i dont know what to do. i dont know where to go and what to be. i need to apply to grad school and that takes time but what if there is a temporary happiness out there between now and grad school called working at a garden store or something. I have learned the tricks i know how to survive, i know which cubicles to visit for chocolate, the dart board, i know how to flirt wtih the guy five cubivles to the right not because i like him or he likes me but because we have something in common. We know this job sucks. But what if December comes and i find a nother handful of good reasons to stay at blue cross. Oh god throw up. I am not a lifer. This frase has been repeating in my head. i dotn have to be poetical about it. just because i stay for another six months doesnt mean i will end up as a souless ghoul clammoring away on my keyboard at age 45 with three kids whose name i can't remember because i am work all day (i would no longer be in a cube mind you, a corner office). ahha i dont know if that was meant to be a scream or laugh or which one is more appropraite. but can you please. the you who doesnt exist the easy answer you the you who knows what to do can you just give me an answer. I think back to formulas other ways i have made decisions, and none of them have prepared me for this moment when i have secure and unahppy job and goal of being some where else and need for action now. i had planned to go to travel europe in the summer, when i decided it was not a good time to go to france. but then i was afraid it wouldnt happen if i didnt act now so i bought a plane ticket that day and france ended well. My life is in flux the state of flowing and changing. my life. my tenth grade english teacher said that all writers are trying to put a pin in flux. By writing they have captured one moment and while the river is flowing crazy and way around that pin, the pin is pinned down in their writing. so if that is true this flux moment is now here forever in my writing. its not going any where but it is still here. and i still dont know waht to do. My roommates are in strange places and they are no longer roommates but friends. My toilet is fixed, the green stain is gone from the carpet (oh yes more green in LA). there is a filing cabinet in pieces in my living room. it is empty. i look for jobs on craigslist and i dont have the qualifications for the ones i want. why did i not majore in journalism. I have to find the downtown news. i need to ask them for a job. I need to go on my road trip. i need to find a new apartment. i need to spend money and pay bills and be an american. (threw my dinner of black beans up with taht comment). Here I am a leave floating down the river of flux. floating because i am not moving with a will of my own. my indecision has rendered my from paddling down or up stream. down the river because the time it is ticking. The blog was autosaved at 8.30 and now it is 8.33. I still have no answer typing fingers. I will make a pro and con list.
cons
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I am afraid that if i stay it is because i am afraid to take risks and quit my job before i have a new one
I am afraid that if i stay i might stay forever. (hell no, that wouldnt happen)
i am afraid i am missing out on the better life. Where is that better life?
I am afraid that if i stay i will become a lover of money.
If i hear that girl bitch for one more day about her cooking, her husband and every other sorry life detail i am going to scream.
pros
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everything is changing in my life right now, maybe its okay to keep my job for antoehr sixe months
it makes sense to keep my job while looking for a new one, or applying to grad school
i like some of the people i work with
downtown is convenient
having a job is nice and i like paying my bills and being able to give money to good causes.
I cant tell which list is stronger, heavier, will last longer. is more like bounty and less like that other brand.
I wish i had a dad who could give advice.
I am listening.
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