Confronted with Weakness

So what do you think about this… I need to find a riskier situation. Routine replaces the need for God. I know where my toothbrush is and that the water is okay to drink. I know where my desk is, what work I need to do there, and when I will get home. Knowing the time zone, the language, street signs, and the bus routes makes me comfortable. Being comfortable takes less prayer and my mind wanders to things that are wholly unholy. Its sad that I am such a distractible creature. I am learning. A human learning curve. I wish I had been here about 3 or 4 years ago when it felt more respectable. I was too responsible a college student. So I signed up for the GRE. Because that is scary. And it cost a lot of money. And that is motivational for me.

wire strangle my finger
Puppeteer me
Across the face, your face
in my dreams, annoy me
wired woman clink clank
squeaky robot
this is not the way, not the way
I know who I am in gunshot helicopter ghetto
I am the white girl who prays for good
For sparkly things to fall from heaven.

But leave the ghetto, and who am I?
Its so cliche it's unbearable.
We will chalk it up to naivte
a moment of lasped thought patterns

I PTL for David, a man after God's one heart, starkly and awkwardly human
a heart filled with cracks and crevices
a heart that hid murder, sex, lies, David could have been a rock star he is so contumacious.
David gives me hope.

Sufjan has a song about a mass murderer John Wayne Gacy, and the last stanza says
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid

I don't want to take myself too seriously, thinking that i am more than a grain of dust in God's hand, but I also dont want to without purpose float a long like a piece of cracker accidentally dropped in a mug of beer.