Crying, Listening, and other verbs

I have been asking for more. More Holy Spirit. I pray. I eat. I sleep and study and dream. But I don't always hear from God. Nothing has been terribly wrong. I wondered if there were things covering up my ears. My checkbook? A lack of responsiveness when he had spoken? Small steps. Before I could hear anything, I started taking small steps in the direction I thought he might be speaking from.

I went to this International Student Bible study thing in a barn that has been transformed into a warm and welcoming, imperfect place. I did the hard work of meeting and talking with new people, people who did not necessarily find me interesting. We were going to watch a movie. A movie about Rwanda. I prayed before it started. Oh God. Please protect me. (I have a history of super-sensitivity to violent movies). But then I thought it was a weird thing to pray about a movie about reality. I prayed again, some sort of protection, some sort of I am yours, prayer.

I watched the movie, until I could not. I blogged and read about Rwanda. I watched UN videos on genocide. I wrote poems. I dreamed about racial tensions and fear. I went to church today. The sermon was on praising God. Praising God about the things that we do not know about. Singing to God when we do not what tomorrow holds, life or death? (the pastor used the story of King Jehoshaphat, where 3 countries were attacking Judah, the king sent the choir out in front of the army because God had said, be couragous, stand firm and when the choir started singing, the 3 armies started in fighting and never got to Judah). The pastor was saying perhaps our finances, our relationships, our bloomington lives feel like this, but we need to sing, and worship. It changes things. It sends armies into confusion. Faith, trust. I could not stop crying. I could not get over the images of army, of war, of people trusting God. Trusting God in the face of death. I wondered if the enemies always had to be conquered. If there are times in the bible where the people of God are not being disobedient and they still are massacred. I did not have an answer. But there are many examples of martyrs. I could not stop crying. I may have been slightly embarrassed since the pastor was talking about people handing over their issues to God and I was sitting there crying, like really uncontrollably crying and sniffling. Except that I was thinking about people dying and that kind of puts life in perspective. (Like I don't really care about growing old or wrinkled right now, since any day of life, is simply an un-guaranteed miracle). There is a place you can go in the back and pray with people during communion. So i went back there sobbing and explained to the woman that I was crying about War. It was kind of awkward. I apologized. I could hardly get the words out between tears. But she was kind and she prayed for me and the world.

I have watched movies before on war. I have not always acted like this. I am thinking I need to pray more about war.